After two straight weeks of feeling pretty good about myself, I was bound to have a week like last week. I started it off pretty excited, pleased with my long run (4 miles) and my mastering (ha!) of the weekly 3 mile runs. I hit the gym on Tuesday for my 3 miles and I don't know what happened. It was just... blah. I did not enjoy myself. I did my miles, but it didn't feel good. I felt no mastery. And this bummed me out a little. Because most of all, I want to find the joy.
On Thursday, I got stuck at work late, missed my lunch and missed my regular run time. My husband was kind enough to ferry the children to their various after-school activities so I could get my run in. Truthfully, I was excited about it. Work had been stressful and I was eager to take my frustrations out on the pavement. However, the relief and exhilaration I was expecting did not come. My neighborhood route had some rolling hills that wore me out and on the way back I found myself running into a gusty wind. I was winded, overheated, and felt like I was barely moving. It was all I could do just to finish the stupid run. It blew.
This run really affected me. I had expected so much more.
On Saturday, my husband and I took the opportunity to run together at a park near our house. The boy was at practice and we brought the girl along with her bike. I did not want to run. Still feeling the disappointment from my weekday runs, I had no motivation. Out on the trail, things did not improve. Surely my attitude bears a great responsibility. It was just hard. I felt slow, breathless, confused about why the first mile is still so miserable. During that first mile, I fought back tears and an overwhelming desire to sit my butt down on the trail and give up. Give up the run, give up running. Give up the half marathon. My impossible and ridiculous goal.
I didn't sit.
I did cry.
Though stubbornly refusing to listen to my husband's advice about my breathing, I kept my feet moving. The welling despair was (somewhat) quelled. We finished the run. My attitude did not improve. We had a time constraint, so we didn't even get in all 3 miles. This, along with my performance, felt like failure.
Blurgh.
And... [deep breath in].... [deep breath out]....
Every week is a new beginning. Every day a fresh start. And there are goals that shouldn't be backed out of. No matter how ridiculous.
I ran on Monday. 3 miles. It was good. I found a some joy.
And... [deep breath in].... [deep breath out]....
This Sunday, I will be running my first 5K race.
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